


I Think You're a Coward (But I Guess I Am, Too)

by orphan_account



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Episode: s05e23-24 Reunited, Sad Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Slow Romance, Spoilers for Episode: s05e23-24 Reunited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-06-08 18:48:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15249726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Her voice wasn't cold. It wasn't angry. It was… it was tired. It was tired, with a trace of something Lapis couldn't describe. Wistful, and sad, and lacking the excitement and buzz that made Peridot so… Peridot.And that was what struck Lapis like a blow to the chest.





	1. Chapter 1

Lapis could hear the pitter-patter of rain on the Temple’s roof, the distant boom of thunder that rang in her head. She watched silently, her shoulder pressed into the couch beside the window.

 

The skies were gray and gloomy, yet the Temple was lively as ever. Amethyst and Pearl were bickering (playfully), which seemed like a common occurrence, while Garnet sat with Steven beside her on the sofa, smiling and laughing at whatever joke he'd told.

 

And Lapis sat alone, with nothing but the rain and Peridot’s gem in her hand.

 

Lapis did consider herself 'patient.’ After all, she had been caged in a mirror for five thousand years with only the hope that she might someday be freed (and hope, she'd found, had failed her far too many times to be a reliable tool).

 

But as she held the green gem in her hands, she wondered if she was really so patient after all. Every second that passed, she would catch herself staring down at the gem in the hope that she would reform  _ right then. _

 

And every second was just as disappointing as the last.

 

But, well, she could sit here as long as she needed, she supposed. She  _ would _ do it - for her barn mate. Even if every heartbeat of the silence-that-was-not-silence was threatening to break her.

 

The bismuth was nowhere in sight. Thank the stars. She wasn't sure she could handle her loudness and positivity and  _ blegh  _ at this moment.

 

She wanted to sulk. She wanted to sit here, drowning in all of her sorrows and regrets and envisioning the moment Peridot would form and scream and tell her not to speak to her and finally,  _ finally _ realize that Lapis truly was the monster she said she was.

 

Because she  _ was _ . Because she'd  _ left _ Peridot, she'd  _ left _ Pumpkin, and Steven, and, stars, she hadn't even been brave enough to apologize when she'd touched down in the sandy shore and Peridot had looked up at her with a mixture of shock and disbelief.

 

Because she had stolen the last thing the green gem had - their home - Peridot’s and Pumpkin’s.

 

Lapis couldn't call it her own - not after what she'd done.

 

She sighed wearily, allowing the heavy rain outside lull her, her eyes drooping.

 

She had no intention to think about this anymore. She wanted to sleep, if only to avoid  _ having to _ think about it - this reality.

 

So she clenched her fist around the gem in her hand and slowly drifted off, in some final attempt to flee from the truth that awaited her in the waking world.

  
  
  
  
  


Unfortunately, her dreamless sleep offered only a temporary reprieve, and she had to wake and face who - what - she’d let herself become eventually. The thing was - well, she'd expected to be awoken by the light of dawn - gold and brilliant as it shone over the Temple.

 

Instead, she was jolted to awareness by-

 

Green.

 

She jerked upwards, eyes widening as the triangular gem floated upwards. Now - she chose  _ now _ , with the stars glistening and the moon mid-sky and Lapis half-awake - to reform?

 

_ It's midnight, peridot, _ Lapis would say. Or maybe not. Peridot certainly deserved more than  _ that _ . Peridot deserved a long, thought-out, sincere apology. Peridot deserved something better -  _ something _ better than what Lapis could offer her.

 

What  _ could _ Lapis offer her, besides that pitiful 'I’m sorry?’

 

Peridot’s form, blinding white light given shape, shuffled through her previous outfits and hairstyles, until it settled on-

 

A star. Her pale yellow hair was a  _ star _ .

 

Lapis refrained from letting her jaw drop, hid the surprised laughter that threatened to bubble out at this new hairdo - a hairdo that was so  _ Peridot _ that she was instantly in love with it.

 

“Your hair,” Lapis blurted, because her mind had honed in on  _ that _ detail, of all things.

 

“Your dress,” Peridot responded carefully, pointing at the star taking the place of the diamond that had once resided there. “I thought- wait, were you cuddling my gem!?” She recoiled in shock, her eyes temporarily flitting up to meet Lapis's before her gaze found the floor.

 

“What- no!” Lapis quickly replied, shoving her hands behind her back. “Why would you think that?”

 

Peridot blinked rapidly. “...Because I formed right beside- you know what? Nevermind. Just - just. Tell me what happened.”

 

Her voice wasn't cold. It wasn't angry. It was… it was tired. It was tired, with a trace of something Lapis couldn't describe. Wistful, and sad, and lacking the excitement and buzz that made Peridot so…  _ Peridot _ . 

 

And that was what struck Lapis like a blow to the chest.

 

She stumbled into the arm of the couch, pretended she’d meant to do so, and patted the cushion beside her. “It's a long story, and you might want to sit down.”  _ Lies _ . Lapis hardly knew any of the details, but she couldn't help but want Peridot to be close to her again-

 

“I’m fine,” Peridot clipped. “Tell me.”

 

Lapis swallowed. “When you were poofed,” she began, taking careful note of Peridot’s unrevealing expression, “Steven ran to you and Yellow Diamond sorta-kinda crushed him.”

 

“ _ WHAT-” _

 

“He’s okay, he's okay! I promise. I’m not gonna wake him, though, so you'll have to wait until morning to see him. I can't really tell you what happened after that.”

 

“Wow, thanks. You're such a huge help, Lazuli.”

 

Something in her chest sunk at that name. Peridot was calling her  _ Lazuli _ again.

 

“I tried to… protect your gem, and ended up… getting poofed as well.”

 

Lapis decided she’d imagined the way Peridot's eyes softened.

 

“You protected my gem?”

 

“And got poofed, so… Guess that didn't work out too well, huh?”

 

Peridot smiled - if only for a split second. And great Diamonds, it was like the world lit up at that blessing. The sun was practically shining. The lights on the Temple were suddenly on. Lapis could have sworn she was _ glowing _ \- and she smiled back, hesitant but truly, genuinely  _ happy _ . And…  _ hopeful _ . And she should have known better than to let herself grasp that hope.

 

Immediately, Peridot’s expression fell. Lapis’s stomach performed a backwards somersault. “Is there anything else I should know.”

 

“Peridot, I’m so s-” She tried, but was immediately cut off.

 

“Is there anything else I should know?” The words were clipped, terse.

 

Lapis blinked, barely registering that her shock and hurt was fully on display to the smaller gem. “Peridot, please-”

 

“Just tell me what happened and leave me alone,” Peridot snapped at last, head shooting upward, voice finally breaking. The mask of neutrality she'd donned fell away to reveal everything - the pain, the anger, the raging battle of emotions - the struggle. Lapis only wished she could pretend she hadn't caused all of the horrible emotions that flitted across the gem’s face.

 

“Why don't  _ you _ tell  _ me. _ What can I do,” Lapis pleaded, voice filling with raw desperation, “for you to forgive me?”

 

“There's nothing you can do.” Peridot inhaled sharply, taking a clumsy step backwards. Distancing herself. Who could blame her? “You can't  _ excuse _ what you did. You didn't honestly expect me to just - up and forgive you right off the bat, did you? For leaving me? For snatching my -  _ our _ \- home right away from me? You left us. You  _ left me! _ You left me because you are a  _ coward _ !”

 

Silence followed Peridot’s outburst. Silence that threatened to swallow them both whole, to devour them. Moments of crushing, obliterating, unwavering shock, soundless save for the gentle swish of waves on the shore. Moments of silence that could kill.

 

Something cleaved open in Lapis's chest at those words - a barrage of  _ feeling _ that would have knocked her off her feet had she been standing. She felt something wet slide down her cheek - a tear. She didn't bother with reaching up to brush it away.

 

Peridot opened her mouth to speak - to apologize or to continue her rant, Lapis didn't know, and she certainly didn't have any desire to find out.

 

She was quick to hush her in a small voice, “The Diamonds are still here.” The words came out choppy and choked, damn her, which only furthered Peridot’s obvious guilt.

 

“Lapis, look, I’m sorry-”

 

“There's nothing to be sorry for.” Lapis found it hard to stem the flow of tears. She turned her back. “Because you're absolutely right. But I would forgive you, even if you weren't. I'd forgive you regardless of what you said or did because-”

 

Peridot went deathly quiet. Lapis took it as a sign to stop talking.

 

“Do you want me to leave?” Lapis asked at length, slow and cautious and almost… scared.

 

“Are you going to run again?”

 

It took all of her control not to flinch at those words, as a waterfall shame and regret cascaded over her. “No.”  _ Never again, _ she wanted to add. But that was a promise she wasn't sure she could keep.

 

“Then sleep on the couch.”

 

Lapis heard the light footsteps retreating, tap-tap-tapping on the floor. She dared a glance over her shoulder.

 

Peridot’s fists were clenched, the green skin noticeably paler from the tension. Her shoulders shook as she took step after step towards the bathroom - her home as of late, it seemed - and then shut the door behind her.

 

Lapis didn't start sobbing until she hit the couch cushions.

 

This time, there would be no forgiveness, no redemption. For all the terrible things Lapis had done, for everyone she had hurt,  _ this _ felt was the worst.

 

It  _ felt _ the worst - perhaps because it was  _ Peridot _ , and she should really find a better way to describe things than just  _ Peridot, _ and Peri was not someone she'd despised and wanted to harm. Because she managed to bring pain to others, even when she wasn't trying to.

 

_ Then sleep on the couch _ , Peridot had said.

 

Lapis didn't sleep at all.

 

She spent the last few hours of night, replaying Peridot’s words in her head.

 

_ You left me because you are a  _ coward _. _

 

Lapis couldn't agree more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow peridot is sad owo uwu  
> sad girlfriends and pep talks from the newlywed

Only Steven’s insistent knocking had drawn Peridot out of the bathroom.

 

She'd been sitting in the refurbished bathroom, thinking over her words from the night before, when she’d heard his voice through the door.

 

Peridot had observed that, after the Temple had been thoroughly wrecked by Blue Diamond's ship, Bismuth had quickly made repairs to the of the exterior. The interior was a work in progress.

 

The warp pad, miraculously, remained unscathed, as well as the gems’ rooms. The majority of the damage was to the living area.

 

She’d hardly taken the time to absorb everything - Lapis was so… distracting… that she'd failed to pay attention to detail. She had, however, immediately noticed the new sofa, and the lack of human decoration save for the twin couches in the living room. There was no longer a “fridge” in the kitchen.

 

She assumed the bathroom had been top priority - she had, after all, seen what went on in there.

 

As she slouched against the wall, listening to the sounds of the water running, she tore her thoughts away from the changes to the Temple and directed them to… her  _ feelings _ .

 

_ Stop being so emotional! _

 

She hadn't forgotten Lapis’s snipe from the day she'd taken everything.

 

Peridot couldn't lie - she cared  _ immensely _ about her barn mate. She couldn't deny the warm feelings she experienced by simply being around her. 

 

She couldn't deny that she'd done everything to make her happy. She couldn't deny that seeing Lapis smile and laugh like nothing was awful was a reward. She couldn't deny that she'd denied herself her own happiness for the sake of her roommate’s.

 

And she couldn't deny that… in the moment when she'd let all of her emotion show, when Lapis has seen what she really thought, understood how she'd really felt and  _ still _ had run, like a  _ coward _ … it had broken a piece of her she hadn't known about before.

 

When Lapis had fled Earth with the barn, she'd left with everything Peridot had come to love and cherish - including… her.

 

And it was such a stupid, _stupid_ thought. She _loved_ the barn and she loved Pumpkin and she _loved_ _her_.

 

And she'd gotten hurt. Because she'd loved.

 

She let out an audible groan. If she was going to contemplate these wretched, miserable feelings, she'd rather do it in private. In the bathtub, where she was  _ sure  _ no one would see or ask questions.

 

She sank further against the floor, burying her head into her hands.

 

The worst part of it all wasn't the ache in her chest when she thought of Lazuli. It wasn't the agony she felt when she looked at her, or even the newfound tension between them that had shattered the bond they’d shared before.

 

The worst part was that she wanted to forgive Lapis. She wanted to leave everything in the past and run to her with open arms.

 

She couldn't shake that feeling.

 

Stars, the second she'd seen how pained Lapis had looked by her hurtful words the night before, she’d almost broken down and begged for her forgiveness.

 

She  _ wanted _ to forgive Lapis for all the rotten things she'd done to her. But then she would remember the devastating moment when she'd told the truth, had poured her true feelings out to Lapis, and Lapis had turned her back, and she would promptly shut down any thoughts of apologies and forgiveness.

 

Peridot wanted to forgive Lapis… but she didn't truly  _ want _ things to go back to the way they were before. She didn't want to feel like she had to  _ literally  _ bend over backwards to keep Lapis satisfied and healthy. And, most of all, she didn't want to ignore her own feelings again. The repercussions were bad enough.

 

She was… scared… of Lapis.

 

She exhaled, the sound ragged, at the admission. No. Not  _ of _ Lapis. She was scared of Lapis being sad. She was scared of Lapis being hurt. She was scared that she would say something wrong and Lapis would flee again, and it would be completely  _ her _ fault this time.

 

She cared about Lapis. She was  _ scared _ to lose her.

 

Their friendship had started out rocky, but it had developed steadily, had grown into something unforgettable. Something wonderful, regardless of all its flaws. Peridot had come to love the gem despite all of their differences and their less-than-ideal history.

 

She wanted to return to watching Camp Pining Hearts and making meep morp with her.

 

All it would take was a talk between them, an 'it’s okay’ from Peridot.

 

She just… couldn't. She couldn't bring herself to utter those words. As much as she wanted to, she was scared that things would go back to the way they were before and she'd say something wrong or she'd break down and Lapis would leave again.

 

She was so  _ scared _ .

 

And she'd called  _ Lapis _ a coward.

 

Wasn't she one to talk.

 

She was brutally yanked out of her thoughts by a hand dragging her to her feet. She blinked, startled, and found herself face-to-face with Steven, a towel in his hair.

 

“Peridot, I’ve been saying your name for like, thirty seconds now. Are you okay? Did something happen?” His concern was evident in his voice. It was touching, but she couldn't bring herself to respond whole-heartedly.

 

“...Maybe,” she admitted, not meeting his gaze. She didn't look up, but she could practically feel his scrutinizing gaze on her. She had no choice but to relent to the power of Steven’s inquisitive eyes. “Nyargh! Feelings are so complicated!”

 

To her surprise, he didn't ask what was on her mind. Instead, he sank back against the wall and said with a sigh, “You’re telling me. Like, I’d barely gotten Blue Diamond to stop calling me Pink before they left-”

 

“Wait.  _ Wait. _ Back up. Blue Diamond? She's  _ here!?” _

 

Steven looked genuinely surprised, as if everyone knew this but her. “She  _ was _ . And Yellow, too! Didn't Lapis tell you…?” He trailed off, noticing her flinch at the mention of Lapis. “Oh. My gosh. Something happened between you and Lapis. That's why you didn't know!”

 

“Nonono! Nothing! Happened! Nothing at all! Just explain why the diamonds are still on Earth and  _ not _ in a bubble! After they poofed me!”

 

_ And Lapis, too. _

 

“Not until you tell me why you got that look on your face when I said Lapis.” A pause. 

 

She immediately averted her gaze again. 

 

“See! Something happened!”

 

“It's none of your business,” she snapped. She immediately regretted it, recoiling at the hurt expression on her young friend's face. “I'm sorry,” she muttered, still glaring at the floor. “It's just… we got into a fight.”

 

“Oh,” Steven said after a moment. “Well, friends get into fights all the time-”

 

“We're not  _ friends _ ,” Peridot interrupted, chewing her lip in distress. “I don't know what we are! I  _ thought _ we were friends, and then she flew off with our home and all I got when she came back was a 'hey!’ And then she tries to apologize, and I want to forgive her so badly, but I think back to what she did and said and I  _ can't _ !”

 

The words flew out, strand after strand of a confession she'd been figuring out how to word all this time. Steven frowned at her, a series of emotions flickering across his face at once. When he spoke at last, his words weren't at all what Peridot expected.

 

“I think you should talk to Garnet.”

 

She blinked. “What.”

 

“I- I think you should talk it out with Garnet. She's sort of an expert with this sort of stuff. Apologies and forgiveness. Feelings in general. Because she  _ is _ a feeling, or multiple feelings…sorta. And she can explain what happened while I was unconscious.” Steven scratched the back of his neck, then shrugged his shoulders and put on his best Steven smile. “Come on.”

 

Peridot had no choice but to follow as Steven dragged her through a mess of Bismuth’s supplies - wood and steel and whatever else was in these piles. Out the door she went, glancing sideways at Lapis, who lounged wordlessly on the sofa by the window.

 

“Steven, wait-” She tried to protest, but they were already rushing down the stairs and into the sand.

 

The beach was a  _ mess _ (much like her own emotional state, wow). Blue and yellow materials from the Diamonds’ ships lay scattered across the sand, some washed ashore by the tide, some tossed out by the Crystal Gems in their efforts to make the Temple a home again.

 

And the  _ barn _ . Any hopes of salvaging or rebuilding it simply vanished from Peridot's mind. Stupid Lapis had to use it as a weapon. She only wished she could find her Camp Pining Hearts boxsets.

 

Amethyst and Pearl were side-by-side, working together to rid the beach of the parts while chatting (or bickering - it was hard to tell with those two) idly. Garnet was speaking to Bismuth in a hushed voice, likely going over the Temple’s repairs and upgrades.

 

“Garnet! Hey, Garnet!” Steven called, drawing the fusion's attention to them.

 

“Steven,” she replied. “Is-?”

 

“Peridot  _ really _ needs to talk to you!”

 

Peridot blinked. “I did  _ not _ say that-” She tried to protest. She was interrupted by Steven's hand being flung over her mouth.

 

“Hmm… can it wait? I’m a bit busy talking about the reconstruction.” She reached up and adjusted her visor, offering a small, tight-lipped smile. “I can talk to her when we’re done, if she wants to.”

 

Peridot did  _ not _ want to, and she had every mind to say that if only Steven would  _ get his hand off of her _ . She bit his finger angrily, and he immediately jumped back. “Hey!”

 

Bismuth chuckled at their antics and waved her hand. “Oh, really, it's no big deal, Garnet. Go ahead. I’m sure whatever the little one has to talk about is more important than going over the construction plans. For the hundredth time.”

 

“It's important!” Came Pearl’s distant cry.

 

Bismuth rolled her eyes fondly, turning to Garnet again. “Really, though, go ahead.”

 

The fusion shrugged. “Alright, then.”

 

Peridot slumped forward. “Steven, I don't want to talk about my  _ feelings _ right now. I am perfectly content with sulking in the bathroom and only  _ occasionally _ breaking down and talking to someone about it.”

 

Garnet looked on with raised brows behind her visor. “It’s always a good idea to talk to someone about your emotions. When they threaten to overwhelm you, at the very least. Come on, follow me.”

  
  
  


Peridot found herself in the countryside. The bare expanse of ground where the barn had once been struck her like a particularly harsh blow to the face. She found herself blinking at the bright, gold sun in her face - it was all could do not to flinch at the scars in the earth.

 

The hole, where their smaller-than-average-lake had resided, was empty and depressing and didn't fail to make her miserable. They were all memories - all around her, memories of Lapis and Pumpkin and Camp Pining Hearts watched in the barn. It had been months - yet it felt like it had been  _ decades _ since she'd shared a home here with the blue gem.

 

“Why did you bring me  _ here _ ?” Peridot grumbled, kicking a pebble to distract herself from the painful reminder of Lapis.

 

“To talk,” Garnet stated simply, as if that wasn't the most obvious thing in the solar system.

 

“‘To talk,’” Peridot repeated drily.

 

Garnet merely shrugged and sat down, patting the grass beside her. “Tell me what's been on your mind.”

 

Peridot huffed and plopped gracelessly onto the ground. She flung her limbs out, eyes directed towards the sky. It was blue and cloudless and sunny, completely opposite her mood. Why did Earth insist on being so bright and cheery at the worst possible times!?

 

She didn't want to talk about her problems with Garnet. She didn't want to talk about her problems with anyone.

 

She supposed, though, that if anyone out of the Crystal Gems would understand her… predicament… it would be Garnet. 

 

She sighed weakly and confessed, “It's Lapis.”

 

The fusion merely cocked her head and leaned back to rest her weight on her elbows. “I suspected it was. What happened?”

 

“What happened?” She chuckled mirthlessly. “What didn't? It all started out horribly. She broke my tape recorder - but hey, I forgive her for that! - and then played a game of baseball to protect me. She lived in the barn with me, and some days she was completely normal and seemed happy, and then other days she would completely ignore me and tell me to leave her alone. And I’d respect her wishes, and we'd be right back to square one. Everything is fine and she's happy - or at least fake happy! I tried to- I  _ wanted _ to make her smile. I wanted to make her laugh. I was so… so concerned with doing that that I lost sight of my own happiness. She… she made me happy, in a sense, but I… I was so invested in helping her forget her own tragedy that I accidentally created my own. I…  _ lied _ to her.”

 

_ ‘That's  _ lying,  _ Peridot.’ _

 

“And- and she left. But she came back, and wanted to pretend a 'sorry’ was enough! It's  _ not enough _ ! And I really  _ do _ want to forgive her and go back to some sense of normalcy, and stars the amount of times I’ve gone over this in my head is ridiculous, and I want to run back to her and pretend everything is fine, too.”

 

She paused and took a deep breath. Garnet remained quiet and still - thoughtful.

 

“...But I- she made me feel bad,  _ really _ bad. Part of it's my fault - if I’d  _ told _ her how I felt, I could have avoided all this… heartache. But she  _ left _ . She left _ me. _ ” Her voice broke. They were the same words she'd uttered the night before.

 

“We fought last night- well, it was more like…  _ I _ fought, and  _ I _ hurt her. And I regret everything I said. I don't know what to do, Garnet! My feelings are so… confusing! I miss her, I want her back,  _ she _ is my home as much as the barn is - but both seem so utterly  _ wrecked _ and impossible to return to.”

 

Garnet hummed. “You need to apologize.”

 

She paled. “I already-”

 

“For everything. If you tell her what you told me, then she will understand.”

 

“Don't you think _ she's _ the one who needs to apologize?” Peridot sniped, crossing her arms. “She took everything I cared about.” A sniffle followed. Oh, stars, was she crying? She furiously rubbed her eyes in a failed attempt to stop the flow of tears before they got out of control. Stupid, stupid visor-

 

“You both need to apologize to each other.”

 

Peridot rolled onto her stomach to hide the tears rolling down her face. “I don't want her to leave again. What if I say or do something wrong, and she hates me forever?”

 

“That possibility is highly unlikely. Besides, it sounds to me like you care too much about her to ever let that happen.”

 

A beat of silence passed before Garnet continued.

 

“A lot has happened to Lapis that she is so susceptible to running rather than facing her fears. In the end, however, she stood up to her Diamond and saved us all. Perhaps it's time you face your own fear?”

 

Peridot blinked. “What- what do you mean?” She inquired.

 

“You're terrified of losing her. You love her.” Garnet smiled softly, raising up off of her elbows.

 

“Umm- we're only... friends,” Peridot blurted. And boy, was that a lie.

 

Peridot didn't actually  _ know _ what they were. They weren't  _ in love _ . They just… they were _ something. _

 

“Of course.” There was a knowing lilt to Garnet’s tone. Peridot was glad her face was buried in the grass, where Garnet wouldn’t notice the dark green blooming across her face.

 

“We should get back, before someone starts to worry.” Garnet stood, brushing grass off of her knees, and extended a hand to Peridot. “Coming?”

 

Peridot turned her head to blink at the fusion momentarily before she covered her face again. “Go on back. I’ll return later.” She waved a hand half-heartedly.

 

Garnet shrugged. “Suit yourself. Nice talk.”

 

She didn't deign to respond. Instead, she shifted to gaze at the sky again.

 

Mulling over Garnet’s advice. She should follow it. She  _ would _ follow it. She would tell Lapis everything she needed to tell her… with time. She needed  _ time. _

 

Time for herself. Time to think.

 

So she lay sprawled out in the grass and thought.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Peridot learn forgiveness takes time and work.
> 
> But that's okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha holy shit  
> it's been nearly two months and i have no excuse. i've had plenty of free-time on wednesdays, saturdays, and sundays, but here i am, having rushed the hell out of this chapter. i hope u guys like it hjwbkrvbhjk  
> marching band exhausts me it makes me l a z y  
> on the bright side band camp was great, i have a solo in our show, was voted most outstanding in my section, and apparently i am going to be section leader in my junior and senior years (okay thanks i didnt ask for this but thanks sounds fun?)  
> also this wasnt proofread kill me now

Lapis was pretending to sleep when Peridot returned, thinking of everything, yet at the same time, she wished she could think of nothing at all. She didn't  _ want _ to think, because her thoughts brought her pain, and regret.

 

She regretted everything. Mulling over her actions toward Peridot, feeling guilty for the things she said and did to the gem, she realized - and it wasn't as if she hadn't known already, not  _ really _ \- that she deserved anything and everything Peridot threw at her.

 

Musing over Peridot's reactions. Laying her head down to hide the stricken expression on her face. Searching endlessly for a way to salvage their broken friendship - or whatever the hell they even had!

 

What was she to do?

 

She was so frightened.

 

And she finally admitted it. At the very core of being, beneath the hatred and pain, there was fear. Layers of unending, awful fear. She was so,  _ so _ frightened. Of hurting those close to her. Of rejection, of losing Peridot, of Peridot hating her.

 

She was scared of being hurt, above all else. She was terrified for herself.

 

She was terrified _ of _ herself, most of all. Terrified of what she'd done.

 

As the warp pad in the Temple lit up, signifying Peridot's return at last, Lapis sank down into the hole in her chest. It grew increasingly deep, increasingly dark, and still she let herself be pulled into it. It was horrible, and yet she deserved the horror, the pain, the  _ agony _ -

 

“Lazuli.”

 

She didn't let herself stiffen, unwilling to show that she'd heard her. Let Peridot think she was asleep, let her think she was asleep, she couldn't do this right now, oh please-

 

“Lazuli,” came the raspy voice. It was thick, quiet, as if Peridot had been crying.

 

Lapis kept still, hoping Peridot wouldn't notice-

 

“ _ Lapis, _ ” she choked out. “ _ Lapis _ , I know you're awake. I know you hear me. Please.  _ Please _ . I need you to talk to me.”

 

She didn't speak for what felt like eons. Neither moved, neither wanted to lose this battle of will. 

 

And then Lapis, giving in to her weakness for the gem, turned over, wordless and feeling more empty than before, and stared blankly at Peridot's wide-eyed, cautious, caring, beautifully frightened face.

 

“Lapis.” Her name fell from Peridot's lips, so soft and hesitant that Lapis sucked in a breath. She was terrified, she was horrified, her thoughts a chorus of  _ help, help me, somebody,  _ help.

 

But the sound of her name coming from Peridot's mouth was enough to make her knees weak, and she couldn't flee, she  _ wouldn't _ if she knew what was good for her. She didn't know what was good for her, and she was shifting and struggling to stand despite her promises to herself that she wouldn't run  _ anymore _ -

 

She wasn't strong, like Garnet. She wasn't kind and compassionate, like Steven. She wasn't as mature and motherly as Pearl, fun and lighthearted as Amethyst. She wasn't as wonderful and caring and brave as Peridot.

 

In the end, she was just Lapis Lazuli, and she was weak.

 

But Peridot moved towards her and sat herself down on the sofa, and she fell backward and gave in to the tears threatening to overcome her. She curled up and let herself sob. When was the last time she let herself cry,  _ truly _ cry? She'd wept last night, but for Peridot, for Peridot's hurtful words. She didn't know when she'd last cried for  _ herself _ .

 

No one knew.

 

Peridot said nothing, merely sat beside her and breathed quietly. It was grounding, the sound of those measured breaths.

 

She didn't know how many minutes of wrecked, broken sobs and gentle, soothing breathing filled the silence before Peridot draped herself over her huddled form and wrapped her arms around her.

 

It was a wordless kind of forgiveness, a silent, beautiful sort. Neither spoke, and Lapis didn't dare to move or open her eyes in the fear that she'd wake up from this dream - nightmare, whatever it was.

 

But when she opened her eyes, Peridot's arms were still nestled around her stomach, and she was sniffling, too.

 

They rested like that, emotions a blur, unrecognizable, indivisible - tears and comfort, sadness and relief.

 

When the sobs faded, and Lapis was left feeling dazed and confused and empty, she turned around and searched Peridot's turquoise-green gaze questioningly.

 

“I’m so sorry,” both gems said at once.

 

And they  _ laughed _ , the sound more a sniffle than anything amused, but it was a laugh, and it felt  _ so good _ that Lapis was sure she might burst.

 

“I'm sorry,” Peridot repeated, staring up into Lapis's startling blue eyes. “For what I said. It's- I just… I shouldn't have ever lied to you like I did. I shouldn't have let you… That is to say, I mean…” She trailed off,  _ searching. _ What could she say?

 

Lapis shook her head. “You-  _ you _ shouldn't be apologizing to _ me. _ I- I hurt you, and I made you think you  _ had _ to lie to be safe, to keep me happy. That's not- that's not what good friends do. I'm… I regret it. Everything.”

 

“Everything?” Peridot sniffed. Lapis was acutely aware of the bob of her throat as she swallowed back tears.

 

“I regret hurting you. I regret leaving you. I regret not letting you know how much I… how much you… how much this”-she motioned frantically to the small amount of space between them, their closeness-” _ means _ to me. You helped me, and I'm so, so grateful, Peri, but you don't- you can't- I-”

 

Peridot pressed a finger to her lips and shook her head. “It’s- it's not  _ okay _ just because you're sorry, and it's not going to be completely  _ okay _ for a while, but I  _ forgive _ you. For everything. Even for ruining our CPH boxset and meep morps when you dropped them and all of our hard work on Blue Diamond.”

 

“Even that?” Lapis whispered, laughing tearfully.

 

Peridot smiled in return, and she ran a finger down the blue gem's arm, not quite looking at her - yet she was unable to look away, either. “Lapis, I thought- I thought so much about this. While I was gone today, I mean. I thought about why you did what you did. I will  _ never _ understand some of the things you've been through, nor do I want to, but I- I want you to know that I forgive you. Or… I will forgive you if you promise- if you promise…”

 

“Anything,” Lapis responded immediately. “Anything you want.”

 

“If you promise you'll never leave me again,” she said, and suddenly they were embracing tightly, both crying again. “Never leave. Never again.”

 

“Never again,” Lapis blurted in agreement, nodding through the blur in her eyes. She was going to have an  _ awful _ headache from all of this crying tomorrow.

 

“You have to promise to try for me. You can't be- you can't let yourself get like this. You can't let these episodes get the better of you.”

 

Lapis nestled her head in Peridot's neck. “I… I promise. But I'm so… I'm scared. I'm, oh Peridot, I'm so  _ weak _ .” She felt raw, admitting this to her. She felt naked, exposed, as if her armor had been stripped away and the  _ mess _ that was inside of her was revealed for all to see.

 

“No,” said Peridot, squeezing her middle once, firmly. “You're strong. And even if you weren't, I would… I would be here. I mean, we all would, but I… I will always be here for you. Will- Lapis, look at me.”

 

She drew away, and reached to hold Lapis's hands in her own. Their eyes met, and such a beautiful, meaningful moment of something nameless, something powerful, passed between them.

 

“Will you always be here for me?” They were soft, raw, vulnerable words.

 

Lapis gave her hands a firm, reassuring squeeze.

 

“Until this Earth is nothing but dust and ashes beneath us,” she promised.

 

And she meant it. She meant every word.

 

It felt so beautiful,  _ this _ . Holding her friend's hands in her own. Confessing her emotions. Sharing this moment.

 

_ No more lies. No more hiding. No more worrying. No more, no more, no more. _

 

Because when all was over, Lapis could do without the terror and hatred. Because there  _ was  _ something inside her, buried beneath the ocean of her fear.

 

_ Hope _ . It was hope. It was love.

 

And when it came down to it, she could do without that mess inside of her.

 

She couldn't do without her hope, her love, and Peridot.

 

Her Peridot.

 

So maybe things weren't  _ okay _ .

 

_ It's not going to be completely okay for a while, _ Peridot had said.

 

But it would - someday.

 

Lapis was willing to wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Why, thank you for reading! Admittedly I am not the best with scheduled updates, but you know how it goes. School, band, etc. takes up a lot of my time. On a side note, I'm also here to announce the possible revival and revision of My Angel, the guardian angel AU I was working on like a year ago.
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated you lovely people!!


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